"Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for North Westgas said, "We agree it was rather high
for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the
gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami
in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing
her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because
they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they
don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the
spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry,
but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had
just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with
her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week
to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up
in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out
"Heil Hitler."(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

AND, if that's not enough to lift the general mood of despondency, here
are a list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
made to their passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I
know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from E&B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you
know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that
last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time.
The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between
Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for
the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some
time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'".

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me,
so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like
that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to
a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,
ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please
hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags
into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their f'n hand stuck in the
door"

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL
belongings away from the doors* (Pause...) This is a personal message
to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train -
put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from
the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed
on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint,
it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."