The best way to get even is to forget.

Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.

God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

Some folks wear their halos much too tight.

Some marriages are made in heaven, but they all have to be maintianed on earth.

Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, then perhaps giving "advice" to God isn't such a good idea.

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up.

A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claim it's a forgery.

It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill, just add a little dirt.

A successful marriage isn't finding the right person... its being the right person.

The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held it's ground.

Too many people offer God prayers with claw marks all over them.

The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.

To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner was you.

You have to wonder about humans, they think God is dead and Elvis is alive!

You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks it's neck out.

If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

We could learn a lot from crayons... some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors... but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... does that mean that 1 person in 5 enjoys it.

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment,
but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who is the one that gets to test it?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What do people in China call their good plates?

I wonder what chickens think we taste like?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If you throw a cat out the window, does it become kitty litter?

Corduroy pillows... they're making headlines!

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have any film.

What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested... charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

OK... so what's the speed of dark?

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Never squat with your spirs on.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward,
would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest,
but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients
but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4s"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Isn't the best way to save face, to keep the lower part shut?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times does he become disoriented?