Category: Misc

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.
Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

The best way to get even is to forget.

Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.

God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

Some folks wear their halos much too tight.

Some marriages are made in heaven, but they all have to be maintianed on earth.

Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, then perhaps giving "advice" to God isn't such a good idea.

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up.

A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claim it's a forgery.

It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill, just add a little dirt.

A successful marriage isn't finding the right person... its being the right person.

The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held it's ground.

Too many people offer God prayers with claw marks all over them.

The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.

To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner was you.

You have to wonder about humans, they think God is dead and Elvis is alive!

You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks it's neck out.

If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

We could learn a lot from crayons... some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors... but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... does that mean that 1 person in 5 enjoys it.

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment,
but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who is the one that gets to test it?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What do people in China call their good plates?

I wonder what chickens think we taste like?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If you throw a cat out the window, does it become kitty litter?

Corduroy pillows... they're making headlines!

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have any film.

What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested... charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

OK... so what's the speed of dark?

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Never squat with your spirs on.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward,
would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest,
but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients
but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4s"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Isn't the best way to save face, to keep the lower part shut?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times does he become disoriented?

I wanted to wish all who visit the site a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.  I know this is the WWW and everyone may not believe or care, so do with it, what you will.  I believe and have hope for all of us.  In talking with a non-believer earlier today my biggest concern was that she be willing to believe in the concept behind it all.  That we all should have hope in the future and know that whatever we might have done in the past, it is behind us, as long as we are sorry for our actions and agree to act with love and kindness at the most important time of our life - NOW.  In all we do now is the time to love and be forgiving, now is the time to reach out to a stranger or make amends to a loved o­ne.  Now is the time to laugh, to cry, to hope and to pray.  No matter when you read this, or when you need this, the time is now.GBJohn Mack

With the average cost for a nursing home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old & feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for:
1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.

2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.

Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too. T.V. broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all my email to: me@Holiday.Inn <mailto:me@holiday.inn>

An eager, but less than bright, young entrepreneur decides to go into the painting business. So he wanders into the rich part of town, paint brush in hand, and knocks at the door of a large house. Good day, sir. I was wondering if you had any painting you need done. The owner of the house, a rich man by any standard, looks speculatively at the painter. He perceives a vibrant entrepreneurial spirit, which reminds him of his own ambition in his younger days. Hmmm. Yes, I think my porch needs a coat or two of paint. The eager young painter rushes off around the side of the house... Several hours later, he returns to the front door, his clothes dripping paint, and knocks again. Sir, I've finished! But I have to tell you, that wasn't a porch, it was a Ferarri.

"Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for North Westgas said, "We agree it was rather high
for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the
gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami
in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing
her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because
they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they
don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the
spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry,
but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had
just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with
her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week
to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up
in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out
"Heil Hitler."(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

AND, if that's not enough to lift the general mood of despondency, here
are a list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
made to their passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I
know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from E&B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you
know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that
last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time.
The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between
Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for
the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some
time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'".

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me,
so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like
that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to
a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,
ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please
hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags
into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their f'n hand stuck in the
door"

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL
belongings away from the doors* (Pause...) This is a personal message
to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train -
put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from
the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed
on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint,
it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

2. Your back goes out more than you do.

3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.

5. You are proud of your lawn mower.

6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.

7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

8. You sing along with the elevator music.

9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."

14. You send money to PBS.

15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

16. You take a metal detector to the beach.

17. You know what the word "equity" means.

18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

19. Your ears are hairier than your head.

20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.

23. You can go bowling without drinking.

24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

25. People send you this list.

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him:

"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"

"Oh no," I replied, "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?

I said "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthful!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy
people?"

"No," I said, "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80?"

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word
"service." The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Civil Service
Service Stations
Customer Service
City/County Public Service
And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I
thought "service" meant.

Then one day, I overheard two farmers
talking, and one of them mentioned that he
was having a bull service a few of his cows.
SHAZAM!! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those
"service" agencies are doing to us...

Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures.........
Remember, when someone annoys you,
It takes 42 muscles in your face to frown
BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and
SMACK the jerk upside the head.