Topic: Funny Stuff

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian Reservation in Arizona. One day, a Navajo Elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. " What are these guys in the big suits doing? " A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the Moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the Moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. ... He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the Elder's message to the Moon. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. After poring over his notes for hours, he finally reported what the moon message said: " Watch out for these bastards: they have come to steal your land."

1. Friendly fire - isn't.


2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.


3. Suppressive fires - won't.


4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.


5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.


6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.


7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to
   waste a bullet on you.


8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.


9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.


10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.


11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.


12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.


13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.


14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.


15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready.- when
    you're not.


16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.


17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.


18. Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.


19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.


20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.


21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.


22. The easy way is always mined.


23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.


24. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all
    uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.


25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.


26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.


27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.


28. Incoming fire has the right of way.


29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.


30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.


31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.


32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly
    fire.


33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.


34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.


35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. Corollary: Radar tends
    to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)


36. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.


37. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get
    out


38. Tracers work both ways.


39. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more
    than your fair share of objectives to take.


40. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.


41. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous
    amateurs.


42. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.


43. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.


44. Weather ain't neutral.


45. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.


46. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.


47. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.


48. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.


49. Napalm is an area support weapon.


50. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.


51. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.


52. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.


53. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.


54. The one item you need is always in short supply.


55. Interchangeable parts aren't.


56. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to
    whom it may concern" you've got to think about.


57. When in doubt, empty your magazine.


58. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.


59. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.


60. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.


61. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay
    awake when you can sleep.


62. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map
    and a  compass.


63. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.


64. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the
    Colonel's HQ.


65. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.


66. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.


67. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.


68. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.


69. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on
    ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.


70. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be
    repaired.


71. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the
    weapon's operator.


72. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


73. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.


74. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.


75. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)


76. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.


77. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most
    important ones are always illegible.


78. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.


79. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what
    they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.


80. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal
    information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.


81. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.


82. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet
    is filled by someone else.


83. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to
    attack.  When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to
    attack that night.


84. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of
    Honor.


85. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan,
    stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.


86. Murphy was a grunt.


87. Beer Math --> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.


88. Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37
    enemies killed in action.


89. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your
    jumping range.


90. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.


91. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of
    its outfit and appearance.


92. The crucial round is a dud.


93. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.


94. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.


95. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer
    to do anything.


96. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy
    assault on, he will bypass you.


97. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.


98. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.


99. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.


100. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.


101. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered
     to carry out.


102. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his
     position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).


103. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.


104. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is
     watching.


105. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an
     unsecured channel.


106. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades
     always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.


107. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.


108. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.


109. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to
     the distance to any form of cover.


110. Walking point = sniper bait.


111. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching
     that day.


112. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually
     a stupid solution.


113. All or any of the above combined.

MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,

A woman is a bundle of contradiction,

She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,

But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,

She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,

She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,

She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;

At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,

She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

MOODS OF A MAN
Horny.

Hungry.

What's the difference between snot and cauliflower?
Kids will eat snot.

"The Soviet propaganda ministry ordered 10 million condoms from an American manufacturer, all 16" long and 3" in diameter. The American manufacturer filled the order, sending the merchandise in boxes marked 'medium.'"

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"

Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!"

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?

A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots

A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?

A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.



Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first Marine said, "Those are deer tracks." The second Marine said, "No, those are elk tracks." The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks." The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."


"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

· "Believing in God is easier than coming up with bail money!"

· Our leaders are but trusted serpents.

· Our leaders are but twisted servents.

· Came to believe that our wives had become unmanageable.

· "Please help me start this meeting with a moment of violence, followed by the serenity prayer!!"

· Sought through prayer and medication to improve our conscious contact with GOD.

· Came to believe that a powder greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

· ...and c) that God could and would if he were sober.

· ...give us 90 days and if you don't like it your misery will be promtly refunded

· We have friend who after listening to an inspirational speaker went to the speaker after the meeting to voice his appreciation and with a slip of the tongue said, "I want to SPANK you for speaking."

· In describing ones feelings prior to recovery, one said, "I had a huge gut in my hole!"

· Thoroughly have we seen a person fail who has rarely followed our path.

· ...and the result was nil until we let go of the Absolut.

· ...lest problems of money, puberty, and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

· Made a searching and fearful moral inventory of ourselves.

· That feeling of usefulness and self-pity will disappear.

· Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or their mothers.

· God could and would if he wore socks!

· Rarely have we seen a person who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do, recover!

· We are like men who have lost their legs . . . we never have to buy a pair of shoes again.

· God Grant Me the Serenity...
To Accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know who's different.

The Top Ten Reasons Computers Must Be Male
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night
1. Size does matter!

The Top Ten Reasons Computers Must Be Female

10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing"
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild!!!

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The man said, "No dear." The women said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the women asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the women asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the man replied, "No, she's left handed."

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up.

Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00.

He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you letter to God which ran as follows:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, those jokers deducted $95.00.